my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
