My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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