Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
