If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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