you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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