i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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