I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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