margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
