the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
