the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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