whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Randomize
