it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
