I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
