So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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