Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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