He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Two words: blizzard sex
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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