he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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