only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
