I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
