My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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