Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
