I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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