I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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