Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
