the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
