Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
wanna go halves on a baby?
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
