My girlfriend figured out who you are.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
