You just made me feel so damn special
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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