When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
