i already hear my dad disowning me
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Randomize
