I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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