I just saw a hot homeless man
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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