just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
