Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
