I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
