your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
