Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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