So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Randomize
