Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
false alarm. still invincible.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
