remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
