my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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