you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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