Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Randomize
