We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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