I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
