god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
