I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
