I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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