Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
