Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
