was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
