so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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